'A Ball Does Not Stumble'

Nuclear Options

by Carolus Augustus

Some titles of news articles are rather intriguing. ‘Release radioactive Fukushima water into sea or air? Japan narrows down optionscertainly revived my waning interest in humanity.

I guess ‘Japan’ as a nation whole, united and indivisible, speaking in one voice after taking decisions with its hive brain, ruled out putting the atomic waste in baby food, filling public swimming pools with the stuff, or pouring it into biodegradable amphorae and selling it to Nipponese hipsters, so The Land of the Rising Sun started narrowing down options.

They considered using it to brew beer and sell it to Germans, or giving it to Russians, in fancily designed bottles, and tell them it’s stronger than vodka. But someone observed that thousands of dead Germans or Russians might draw some attention, so Nifon decided to narrow down options.

Spiking blood transfusions, homeopathic concoctions or Coca-Cola with heavy metals – ‘Who would notice it?!’, one public servant exclaimed – , it would’ve made a mess. So Japan squinted and thereby narrowed down options.

‘How about shooting the liquid into the sun?’, the PM of Nihon mused. ‘Or using it as shampoo?’

‘I’ll use it for a rainy scene in my very next quirky film!’, said ‘Beat’ Takeshi Kitano. ‘Atomic Christmas, Mr Oppenheimer!‘, he added.

‘Doing nothing is a non-option’, one Zen Master whispered in a mysterious tone. Then he burped loudly, shat on a fluorescent green giant turtle, and rode off on a five-legged horse.

Problem solved.