DA GLORIA / DOT NET

'A Ball Does Not Stumble'

Ep-Schtine Schmep-schtine

by Carolus Augustus

Oh dear…

Thanks to an article entitled ‘Conscious or not, Jeremy Corbyn’s mispronunciation of Jeffrey Epstein’s name matters to British Jews‘, I just found out that Jeremy Corbyn pronounced Jeffrey Epstein’s surname as Ep-schtine! The horror!

Please pay attention to the author speaking on behalf of all British Jews. Because that’s what British Jews do all day: looking out for people who say schtine instead of steen, or stine… In a way, though, the author is modest, compared to Benjamin Netanyahu, who speaks in the name of all Jews on the planet.

Simon Kelner, the author of the opinion piece, shares the following bastardized-Freud-inspired insight:

The question, which we can be sure will never be answered, is this: did Corbyn do it, consciously or unconsciously (they’re both as bad as each other, by the way), to make Epstein sound just a little more sinister and foreign and, relevantly in the context, more Jewish?

Why does Kelner claim that the fact Epstein was Jewish is ‘relevant’ in the ‘context’? Perhaps one should make the name Epstein sound as ‘un-Jewish’ as possible, in order to avoid ‘relevance’ in any sort of nasty context. Apestone? Great! Mission accomplished. So, where can I get my certificate of unantisemiticness?

And if Corbyn says schtine, then British Jews are f****d. British Jews are facing an existential threat. No Jew will disagree. That’s because Jews are like the Borg drones with a hive mind in Star Trek. Global Jewish conspiracies are superfluous, because All Jews Think As One. That’s anti-anti-Semitism 101, you schmuck.

So. Gotcha, Corbyn! Now we know you’re a blackshirt. Be careful, workers of the world and your representatives… You’ll need to pronounce Einstein as Ine-stine… or else…. Godwin’s Law awaits you!

To pronounce a German word with a German accent is rather sinister. Albert Einstein’s surname must always be pronounced as Inestine. Never did anyone who was not a Nazi pronounce the name as Ineschtine, not even in the man’s hometown Ulm, Germany.

Imagine if Einstein had been born in Arnstein, Bad Liebenstein, Neckarsteinach…. You’d be required to say that Albert Inestine was born in Arnstine, with the option of pronouncing Arnstein as Arnschtine. You’d have keep a keen eye on the degree of Jewishness of German words, which is what people do all day, of course. Keeping tabs on Jew-related words: let’s hope that one day everyone will be doing that all of the time.

Einstein himself, I suspect, continued to pronounce his surname as Ineschtine, after moving to the USA. Hmm… If he did, then he must have been a self-hating Jew.

I’m looking forward to the next Dutch or English or Ugandan person who, amazingly, pronounces João, the Portuguese version of John, correctly. Succeeding in doing so is definitely a sign that antilusitanism is at play.